The forgotton memory
by Igraine
Summary: Buffy remembers somthing that was suposed to stay forgotton. Maily B/S, though a little bit of B/A R/R please
1. Time lost

Sumery: Buffy remembers  
  
Disclaimer: none of these charecters belong to me. They belong to Jos whedon etc....  
  
Authors note: I know that it may apear that Dawn is a new slayer, but she's not. I know there will be no new slayer. I wrote dawn to have strength because of the fact that she was made from Buffys blood.  
  
Please please review!!!!!!  
  
The forgotten memory  
  
part 1:Time lost  
  
Buffy woke up to find herself in the cold yet comforting tight embrace of someone.  
  
She nuzzled her face into the smooth bare chest, breathing in. She could smell an aroma of sweat and a light trace of leather. Oh god! she thought as she slowly remembered the event of the previous night. She opened her eyes and propped herself up on her elbows. She quickly found her self looking into the intense blue eyes of Spike.  
  
He smiled at her "Hey" he said softly, and brushed a stray stand of hair away from her face.  
  
Buffy quickly jumped back and pulled her knees to her chest to cover her nudity. What have I done, she thought. "Spike listen, about last night- "  
  
"Oh, bloody hell" he interrupted her, "Don tell me your going to make some lousy excuse like 'oh I was upset about giles leaving' because if you were thinking about giles last night then you have some very VERY serious issues" He said, looking away from her. It was quite obvious that he was hurt by her actions.  
  
She bowed down her head, she didn't have any response to that. She felt her eyes beginning to water. Not now, she pleaded with herself, not in front of spike. But the tears came. This was to much. Giles leaving, being raised from the dead, finding out she came back wrong, having sex with spike. It was just to much. How could she make him understand that she was just unstable right now. That she didn't love him, she couldn't love him.  
  
Maybe you do, a tiny little annoying voice said in the back of her mind. She quickly pushed the voice way with all the reasons she couldn't love him. She took a deep breath, trying to regain control, but the tears just came harder. She started shaking and sobbing uncontrollably.  
  
"Oh come now pet, I didn't mean to make you cry" Spike said. He brought over her clothes to her. "here you are, I'll turn the other way and all" He walked away from her and started to put his own clothes on.  
  
Buffy pulled her clothes on and stood up. She smoothed her hair down and wiped the last of her tears away. She didn't feal any better. Spike, now with pants on, walked over to her, putting a hand on each of her shoulders. She looked down, not wanting to face him. She instead found herself perfectly happy starring at his well toned chest.  
  
"Buffy" Spike mumbled quietly. She looked up at the use of her name. He didn't often call her Buffy, it was usually luv, or pet, or most frequently Slayer. "Buffy" he said again, "is it so hard for you to admit to your self that you might just maybe have feelings for me?"  
  
She tried to look down again, but he put his hand under her chin forcing her to look at him. She shifted her eyes, trying to look anywhere but at him. But like a magnet, she was drawn to his eyes. They were so beautiful. They sparkled like the ocean does when the sun shines of of it.  
  
"Spike, I....." She couldn't think of anything to say. She just kept starring into his intense blue eyes.  
  
Spike moved his mouth on to hers, in the smallest, softest of kisses. and pulled his face an inch away from hers. She closed the distance between them needing to have contact with his mouth. his perfect pink pouty mouth, right under his perfectly shaped nose, which was under his beautiful blue eyes, that were located under his eyebrows, one of them having a sexy scar that just made his whole God damned face perfect.  
  
She pulled away shaking her head "No" said "I'm sorry spike, but no, I just cant do this" she walked away from him and ran out of the ruins of the abandoned house, wiping away the tears that still fell from her eyes.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy quietly slipped through the door of her house and walked into the living room. Dawn was asleep on the couch, she walked over and sat on the edge brushing her hair from her face, and went into the kitchen.  
  
Ice-cream, she though, I need Ice-cream. "Willow" a familiar voice said as she opened the freezer. "Willow is that you?" Tara came into the kitchen.  
  
"Tara, what are you doing here, did you and willow make up" Buffy asked, slightly thrown off by Taras presence.  
  
"no" she said, "when I brought Dawn home last night, no one was here, so I told Dawn I would wait until someone came home. But nobody did so I stayed the night" She finished. "were you with Spike?"  
  
Buffy panicked, could Tara read her mind? "Spike, No of course not, why would I be with Spike?" She said, sitting down at the table, tub of icecream in one hand, spoon in the other.  
  
"Patrolling, I called Xander to see if you were over there, and he said Spike called wanting to patrol, I figured you probably got held up" Tara said.  
  
"Yeah well, I, I uh... I didn't see him. But wow what a busy night, tons of demons......." Buffy stopped and cleared her throat, "You know what, I think I need a shower, wash away the demon.. demons". She quickly left the room not bothering to put away the icecream.  
  
When Buffy got up stairs she went into the bathroom and turned the hot water on not bothering with the cold. She stripe off her clothes and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water drops pound down on her back.  
  
She remembered the previous night. She had had sex before, but sex with spike was completely different. It shouldn't of happened, it was nice but it shouldn't of happened. It was wrong. It was Spike. She could except him as a friend, but she couldn't possibly love him.  
  
She shook her head trying to rid herself of all spike thoughts, but just brought up another one. The way he had looked at her. He was giving her a chance to back out. They had just stopped, and he looked at her. His eyes were full of love. She could tell it was what he wanted, but only if she had wanted it.  
  
Did I want it? that annoying little voice asked. "No!" she said firmly to herself. It's spike. He's violent, he's evil, he's obscene, the man had made a sex bot, she told herself. He's disgusting but caring an gorgeous, and... "no" she cut herself off from her thoughts. She started shaking her head again. I'm not going to do this, from this moment on, I am going to stop thinking about spike.  
  
She washed her hair, she washed her body, and stepped out of the shower, the whole time only thinking of spike ten times. She put on her robe and walked into her room where dawn was sitting in her bed.  
  
"Hey Dawnie, did Tara leave yet?" She asked casually as she dried her hair.  
  
"yeah, so where were you last night? have you herd from willow?" Dawn asked looking at her suspiciously.  
  
"I was patrolling, it was a busy night. And no I haven't herd from Willow. But you know, she derated Amy" Buffy said "they're probably just having fun. You know? Willows probably filling her in on what's happened the past couple of years."  
  
"Amys been derated?" Dawn asked in disbelief "that's great, now we'll have another person in the scoobie gang. she said excited.  
  
Buffy could just see all the thought going through her head. Poor Amy would be answering questions all day. "Well, I think I'm going to go to the magic shop, see if I can find anything on this ice man bank robbery thing" Buffy said.  
  
"The magic shop" Dawn groaned, "Buffy", she whined, "I don't want to spend another Saturday at the magic shop, cant I just stay home, maybe have a friend over-" She was cut off by Buffy.  
  
"Dawn, last time we left you home alone, you got kidnapped by a dancing demon who wanted to take you to hell and make you his queen" She told dawn.  
  
"Buffy, that was so not my fault. It's was Xanders, remember, he's the one who summoned the demon" she said. "plus, if I had a friend over, I wouldn't be alone" she said.  
  
"Oh yes" Buffy started, "and last time you did something with a friend, you were almost eaten by a vampire" She reminded her.  
  
"Fine" Dawn started with a pout "well if you don't trust me-"  
  
"No" Buffy cut her off again "I don't trust you" she said beginning to usher Dawn out of her room.  
  
"Buffy" she begged, "At least let me go stay with spike. He's never let anything happen to me has he" She said, not bothering to keep the desperate tone out of her voice.  
  
"No, absolutely not under any circumstances" She said. Dawn opened he mouth in protest but Buffy spoke first. "It's not good for you to spend the day in that dark crypt. Your fifteen, you need sunlight" she told her. Excuses, she thought to herself, just excuses, Spikes was probably the safest place for Dawn to be.  
  
"Oh" Dawn said, "and the magic shop is much better" she said. Buffy could tell that if she made dawn come with her she would be mad at her for days.  
  
"Fine" she gave in, you can go to spikes, But I'm not bringing you there" she said. "We'll go to the magic shop and Xander or anya can take you there." she finished.  
  
"Thank you thank you thank you" she said and ran up to Buffy and gave her a hug.  
  
"Your welcome, now go get dressed" she said and kicked dawn out of her room. She walked to her closet looking for something to wear.  
  
She found a pair of dark blue jeans and through them on her bed, and went over to her dresser looking for a shirt. She opened the top drawer and was somewhat shocked to find an old shirt of Rileys siting at the top. She picked it up and held it to her for a moment, giving herself a moment to remember him.  
  
Her small form had fit so perfectly in his strong arms, he was warm. Angel, being dead was never warm. comforting, but not warm. She had come so close to loving Riley, but she couldn't. maybe there's something wrong with me, she thought. I couldn't love Riley, now I cant love spike, and Angel who I could love, couldn't love me.  
  
She shook her head, snapping herself out of it. This whole situation was ridiculous. It was spike. He was a completely different story from Riley. She put Riles shirt back in her drawer and pulled out a black tank top. She quickly got dressed and went down stairs to where Dawn was waiting for her.  
  
She grabbed her jacket off of the chair in the living room and they left, walking the short distance to the magic shop.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Buffy slammed her book shut in frustration, there was just no such thing as a diamond eating freeze monster. Plus Xander was taking an extremely long time to get back from bringing Dawn to spikes.  
  
Almost on que Xander walked in the shop. He's looking at me, she thought. He knows, Spike must of told him, the bastard. Ill kill him. And then I'll kill Xander before he gets a chance to tell anyone. She shook her head for about the one millionth time that day, clearing all thoughts of killing Xander out of her mind, yet allowing some violent spike thoughts remain.  
  
"What took you so long?" She demanded when Xander came an sat down next to her. He looked at her like she was crazy.  
  
"Uh, Buff, I love you and all, and I'm fine with driving Dawn to spikes, but, I cant really handle you getting mad at me for being gone for fifteen minutes" He said.  
  
Buffy through her head back over her chair, "I'm sorry Xander, I've just been kind of stressed lately" she looked at him. "So, spike have any information about this Diamond eating ice demon?" she asked.  
  
"Does Spike ever have any information?" He asked, she knew the answer to that one. No. "Our little neutered vampire was actually quite quiet this morning" He said, looking at Buffy intently. H knows. She thought again, but then reminded herself that if Spike wasn't talking, then he wasn't telling.  
  
"Oh well, That's just Spike for ya" she said, "Xander, do you think you can pick dawn up for me latter?" she asked.  
  
"Not needed, Spike said after sunset he'd walk her home. wait there until somebody got home" Xander said.  
  
"What!?" Buffy said louder then necessary, "he's going to wait, as in wait in my house, for me?" She asked.  
  
"Well that was the general idea" Xander said. "you know, so he wouldn't inconvenience you at all" he looked at her. "Buffy, you've been acting strange today, did something happen?" He asked her.  
  
"No" she said smiling, shaking her head in a bemused way "of course nothing happened" She started laughing hysterically.  
  
"Oh my go" Anya said rushing over to Buffy. "Is she dying?" she looked at Xander worry in her face.  
  
"No Anya, she's laughing. Um, Buff, maybe you should go home. Your actin' a little strange" Xander said.  
  
"Right" Buffy said. "Home. I'll go home. Home is good. Bye" She ran out of the store. Xander and Anya just stared after her. Quite confused, but eventually, Xander went back to reading the demon books, and Anya went back to reading her bridal magazines.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Spike turned the TV off, Dawn was watching some stupid show that she probably wasn't allowed to watch any ways.  
  
"Hey! I was watching that" Dawn said glaring at him. "Why are you in such a bad mood today?" she asked him.  
  
"Why are you wearing a blue shirt today?" Spike asked her.  
  
"Because it matched these pants" Dawn said.  
  
"Well my bad mood matches these pants so leave me alone." he told her harshly, hoping she would just sit and be quiet for two minutes.  
  
"God" Dawn said, "you sure have a bug up your ass today" she mumbled and sank down in her chair. She crossed her legs and started bobbing her foot up and down. At the moment it was the most annoying thing in the world to spike. She started whistling. Oh god, she was whistling the back street boys, Spike didn't know if he could take this.  
  
He turned the TV back on, "Dawn you can watch what you want, I'm gonna go take a nap. You must remember, this is sleep time for me" He said. Dawn didn't reply, she was already sucked back into the show.  
  
I don't need her Spike thought to himself, only causes me pain, emotional and physical pain. He sat on his bed, disgusted with himself for being such a love sick puppy. For being so much like he was before. Before he was turned.  
  
"Spike!!" Dawn called to him. "Do you have anything to eat?" She asked.  
  
"Sorry luv, unless you fancy blood there nothing here" he said. Teenagers, always thinking with their stomachs.  
  
"I'm gonna go get something then" she said, coming into the space he used as a room.  
  
If she goes, Buffy will kill me. spike got up and walked over to her. he put a hand on her arm, "common niblet, you know I cant let you go, your big sis would kill me" he said. "besides, there's just a half hour till sunset, sit and watch the telly.  
  
"I'm fifteen, I can take care of myself for the five minutes it will take me to walk to the store" she said. She shrugged off spike.  
  
Spike gasped as he flew across the room and looked up at Dawn who stood stunned. "Spike" she rushed over and keeled beside him. "are you OK? I... I didn't mean to.... I just wanted you to let me go....I...I...."  
  
Spike laughed. "well well, look at the lil' bit. The slayer blood finally starting to work ehh?" he said.  
  
Dawn stood up smiling. " I guess so, maybe now Buffy will finally let me have a life" she said. She started laughing with spike, who now was once again standing. She took a step forward, but was overcome with a wave of dizziness, "Spike, I don't-" she couldn't even Finnish her sentence. Spike watched in horror as Dawn, Buffy little sister, his lil' bit fell to the floor.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy walked in the house and went to the kitchen. She was feeling very dizzy, and decided that some ginger ale might make her feal better. She got out a glass and put it on the counter. She was suddenly struck by a wave of nausea. She put her hands on the counter, trying to prevent herself from passing out, but it was no use. She fell to the floor, her body not even making a sound as it hit the cold tile.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Within seconds Spike was at Dawn side feeling her forehead. He put his hand on her cheek. "Common now pet, wake up" he said. Nothing. Her skin felt hot. He picked her up and put her on his bed, then walked over to the window, praying for the sun to set.  
  
He paced for about twenty minutes, watching Dawn come in and out, asking for her mother and Buffy. He checked the small window again. The sun had finally set enough for him to venture out. He went over to Dawn who was once half awake. "how are you Dawn, do you think you can walk?" he asked her.  
  
She attempted to sit up, failed, and then looked at him with a resigned expression. "Where are we going?" she asked him  
  
"I'm taking you home" he said brushing some of the hair out of her face. her eyes shut as she drifted off again. Spike picked her up and left his crypt. Buffy will know what to do. he told himself.  
  
When he got to the Summers household, no one seemed to be there. He walked in and put Dawn down on the couch in the living room. "Buffy" he called. No answer. He went into the kitchen, deciding that a glass of water would do dawn some good.  
  
But when he got into the kitchen, he saw Buffy lying in a heap on the floor. "Buffy" he said as he rushed to her side. He laid his head on her chest listening for a heart beat. She was alive. He felt her forehead, she was hot, like Dawn.  
  
He scooped her up in his arms, she lifted her head up and looked at him. "Spike?" she said, barley loud enough for him to hear.  
  
"What is it luv?" he asked her, as he held her tight against his body.  
  
"Where's Dawn?" she asked.  
  
"She's here" spike told her. Buffy put her head against his chest before going limp in his arms. Spike brought her upstairs and put her in her bed, then did the same with dawn. He put them both in Buffys bed so he could watch them, he also knew that they would want to be together.  
  
He kneeled at the side of Buffys bed, and ran his hand through her hair. She opened her eyes wide and stared at him. "Spike" she said weakly, "Something's wrong".  
  
"I know luv" he whispered, "but I'm gonna take care of it" he kissed her forehead and went down stairs to call the magic shop. He wanted to be the hero, but he knew something was unnatural. The slayer doesn't just get sick. And Dawn doesn't just throw him across rooms. He needed help, and he was going to call the only people he knew who could help.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy traced a heart on Angels chest with her finger, reveling at how warm his body felt next to hers. The brief day in the sun had already made his skin several shades darker. She put her head on his chest, and smiled as she herd the steady beat of his heart. As she felt the slow rise and fall of his chest, as he slept peacefully next to her.  
  
She wanted to stay like this forever. He was alive. And not in the way a vampire is alive. He was alive the way a human was. And he wanted to spend his life with her. She would never have to worry if she woke up and he wasn't there, because she knew from now on he would always come back to her.  
  
She had never been so happy. Never experienced such bliss. If she died today, she would die happy. But She wouldn't die today. She had her whole life ahead of her. And she had that life with angel. They would grow old together, watching their children grow, then her grand children, all with Angel. "I love you" she whispered.  
  
"I love you to" he suprised her, She thought he had been asleep. He wrapped his arms around her. She was standing, now fully clothed, wrapped in angels arms. Her happiness and bliss was over. Now only sadness. "I"ll never forget" she chanted over and over again to herself. She felt herself being ripped away from him, and felt herself forgetting it all. She tried desperately to remember, but it was gone.  
  
"No! I wont forget" she screamed as she sat bolt up right in bed. She was wet with sweat. She pulled her legs to her chest, holding on to the dream. It didn't feal like a dream she thought to herself, "It felt like a memory". she tried to even out her breath, but tears were rolling down her cheeks now, and she felt the dream pulling away. She didn't care that it was just a dream. She felt like she had woken up in that dream. Like she had been blind, but could see again. She needed sight, but she felt she was slowly going blind as the dream was ripped away from her. She was left only with the memory of hearing his heart beat.  
  
After a while, she didn't even realize the blindness, forgetting almost everything. But she wouldn't let that one moment go. That one steady sound. It was only a dream, but she needed it.  
  
She looked around the room, taking in her surroundings. She was in her bed, and no one was there with her. She was alone. utterly alone.  
  
The walls moved and she was in a place she knew to be angels room. How do I know this is angels room she asked herself. She had never seen it. But she knew. She was still alone. He had left her while she slept.  
  
She knew where he went. She didn't want to believe it, but she knew. She had to go, she got up and got dressed, looking for Cordilia, hoping she would say he just went to the store or something.  
  
She was in his arms again, chanting she would never forget. She felt herself being torn again.  
  
This time when she woke up, she didn't forget anything. It all came back to her. All of it. After two years she remembered everything she had forgotten. Every touch, every word, every kiss. Every minute. She remembered promising not to forget. And remembered the pain of loosing it. The pain of knowing that she wouldn't grow old with him. The pain of being thrown back , and the pain of knowing that no matter how hard she tried she would forget.  
  
And now, the pain of having him again, and loosing him again.  
  
This time she wasn't alone, Spike was watching her. She realized that she was sitting again, and that an endless stream of tears were falling down her face. She reached out to him, needing comfort from someone, not caring that it was from spike.  
  
He came over, sat on her bed and wrapped his arms around her. "I had him" she said in a pained voice, through her raged tears. "I had everything. Everything I wanted, And I lost it" She put her arms around his neck and smothered her face in shirt. "I lost it all" She just kept on saying it over and over again. She wouldn't forget this time.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Spike held Buffy, not knowing what she was talking about. She just kept on repeating that she had had everything, and lost it all.  
  
At least she doesn't have a fever anymore he thought to himself. Dawn was doing better also. She had woken up an hour earlier, and was now down stairs, watching TV, acting like her normal self.  
  
Willow bust in the room, her hair was messed, her eyes were black. She stumbled over to the bed, and fell to the floor. She crawled over and took one of Buffys hands. She looked like she had just been in a car accident.  
  
"Did it work?" she asked. Her voice barely could be herd it was so dry and scratchy. "did it work Buffy? Did you remember?" she asked panting, struggling to stay conscious.  
  
Buffy looked at her, and nodded. "I needed to give you something" Willow said. "I needed to make up for tearing you away" her body went limp as she passed out, obviously completely worn out from using to much magic. To powerful.  
  
Spike understood now. Buffy and Dawn weren't sick. Willow had cast a spell on Buffy, and Dawn, being literally made from Buffy was affected by it.  
  
Xander and Anya entered. "Willow" Xander said, and rushed over to the pile that was Willow.  
  
"I think she's OK" spike said. "She cast a spell, on Buffy, and it affected both Buffy and Dawn"  
  
Xander and Anya nodded "We know" Xander said, "She told us on our way over here. Did it work? did Buffy remember?" Xander asked, picking Willow up and putting her on the bed.  
  
"I think so" Spike said. He felt left out of some secret. "What did she remember" He looked at them for answers.  
  
Buffy was the one who finally replied "Angel" she said, her voice a mear squeak "she gave me the memory that had been torn away by the deities." She pulled herself out of spikes arm and moved over so she was facing the limp body of willow. She reached out and brushed the hair out of Willows face. "The memory I forgot I had. The memory I swore I'd never forget. She gave it back".  
  
Angel...... She had remembered Angel. Spike felt like his non beating heart had been torn out. Angel, all these tears were of Angel. She had remembered something that would take her away from spike forever. Spike stood up and left the room, going down stairs to check on Dawn.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy dialed the number she had almost forgotten. A husky male voice answered. It was angel. what now? Buffy asked herself. She said the first thing that popped into her mind, "I remember" she listened to him gasp for a breath he didn't need.  
  
"Buffy?" he asked "Is that you? what do you remember?" he sounded confused. She hadn't realized how much she missed him until she herd his voice.  
  
"I remember you" she said, feeling tears. "I remember hearing your hear beat" she said, tears now falling down her cheeks. "I remember...." her sobs interrupted her "I remeber....sob..the feal of your breath on my face" she leaned her back against the wall and slid down until she was sitting. "I remember the way your face looked when flushed with color" she gasped for another breath. "The way your body felt warm next to mine while we were eating ice cream in your bed........sob.....I remember it all" she took another deep breath. "I remember telling you I would never forget, and then.......sob.....forgetting it all" Her sobs were uncontrollable now. Her chest burned, begging for the air she couldn't suck in.  
  
"Buffy....How?" he asked. She couldn't answer, She couldn't even breath, how could he expect her to answer. "Buffy, I....I'm coming to see you" She still couldn't answer. "I'll be there tomorrow at sun down" he hung up.  
  
Buffy let go of the phone, and watched as it dropped to the floor. She saw it hit, but didn't hear it. The cheap plastic cover cracked. Willow, now feeling slightly better came into the room and put her hand on her shoulder, but Buffy was oblivious to it. She could feal nothing, hear nothing. She felt like she was watching this from afar. She kept on sending herself back to that blissful moment, when she thought everything would turn out perfectly.  
  
"How did you know about it Will?" she asked as she came back to reality. "I didn't even know, but you did. How?" she looked up at the red headed witch.  
  
"After you died" Willow started. "He came to see you one last time before you were buried. He held one of your hands and began to weep. He told us the whole story. He said you were happier then he had ever seen you in those few days. He wanted do much for you to be able to remember that happiness, but you forgot. And he knew it wouldn't be the same if he told you." she sat down next to Buffy, who laid her head on Willows lap.  
  
"He's coming" she said. "He's coming and he'll be here tomorrow" she closed her eyes. She still felt the pain she had felt when the memory had been pulled away from her.  
  
"Buffy.....I'm sorry. I shouldn't of done the spell. First I tore you out of heaven, And now I've caused you even more pain." she began to cry with Buffy. "I just wanted to make things better. I couldn't make you forget being dead, so I thought if I made you remember being alive-"  
  
She cut Willow off "Don't Willow. Don't apologize for giving me this memory. It's the best gift anyone could ever of given me. You gave me back the happiest moment of my life, never be sorry for that" she sat up trying to compose herself.  
  
"I'm gonna go make some coffee" Willow said. "You can tell me the whole story, or you can just remember it, either way I'll be there for you" she stood up and went into the kitchen.  
  
Once Willow was gone Spike came into the room. "I'm gonna leave now pet" he told her.  
  
She looked up at him, her big green eyes expressionless, miles away. As she stared at him they slowly came back to the now, and softened at him. "I'll see you latter" he started to leave the room.  
  
"Spike wait" Buffy said right as he was about to walk out of the house. "Stay, if not for me for Dawn, but please, just stay" She walked over to him and took his hand in hers. "stay" she said again,"Come have some coffee with me and Will" she released his hand and she walked into the kitchen. Spike being unable to deny her anything followed her.  
  
Willow had the coffee brewing, and suggested that Buffy pick out a movie to watch, or a CD to listen to. Buffy decided that a Movie would be best, she just wasn't ready to talk about it yet.  
  
She looked through her selection of movies, Gone with the wind, Titanic, a monty python and the holy grail nothing interested her. On the top of the TV there was a video case from block busters Dawn must of rented something she thought. She looked in the VCR, City of angels was in Buffy loved that movie. She pressed the rewind button and waited for Willow.  
  
She grabbed the remote and curled up at the arm of the couch. Spike came in and sat down next to her. He wasn't touching her, but he was close. Buffy felt the need to be closer to him. She leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder. He didn't say anything, but he put his arm around her shoulders. It was nice. Willow came in and Buffy hit the play button on the remote, not making any motion to move away from spike. Willow said nothing.  
  
He smells so good Buffy thought as the movie began. He smelled like soap and leather. Buffy never would of thought of Spike smelling like soap, but he did.  
  
Buffy sat up and moved slightly away from Spike. Partly to drink the cup of Coffee Willow had made for her, and Partly because she decided she was being unfair to him. She didn't want to give him false allusions. She liked him, there was no denying that, but she loved Angel. And if there was ever going to be anything between her and Spike, she needed to figure out the whole Angel thing first.  
  
If there's ever going to be anything between be and Spike, she couldn't even believe she had the thought. The night before had been a mistake. She felt cold and pained again with out Spikes arm around her.  
  
She felt the pain of the memory more then ever now. She couldn't Stop remembering being held tightly in Angel arms, chanting that she would never forget. And she forgot. She felt the raged breath of tears coming on, and leaned up against Spike again closing her eyes, clutching at his Shirt.  
  
"Care to talk about it Luv?" he asked her. She looked up at him, his Eyes were full of comfort. He was gently rubbing her back with his had soothing her.  
  
She looked over to Willow, who Still had nothing to say about her closeness to Spike. "It might make you feal better" Willow said.  
  
Buffy nodded and began to tell the sad story. "I was outside in the bright daylight, I turned around and there he was" She took a few breaths and continued the story. She told them everything. Right down to licking chocolate ice-cream off of angels chest. She told them how she had traced hearts on his stomach with her fingers, and her silly fantasies of having a normal life with him.  
  
She took a deep breath to finish the story, "When he came back, he told me that he had to be a vampire, so he could prefect me. So I wouldn't die. I didn't care, he did though. I only had a minute left and he told me I would for get it all. There wasn't enough time. We didn't get to do all the things I had wanted to do with him. I told him I loved him and I promised I would never forget. I just kept saying it over and over, but........" she let the sentence die. Once again she couldn't breathe through her sobs.  
  
She looked at the TV screen, the movie was almost over now. "Buffy....." Willow couldn't think of anything to say that would comfort her.  
  
"It's gone now. All of it. I talked to him, after time was turned back. I was cold to him. It must of seemed like seconds to him, after holding on to him, and loving him more then ever, just seconds latter I was cold." She clutched to Spike as if by holding onto him she could go back to that moment and remember it all. And be kind instead of cold..  
  
It didn't work. She was still on her couch. And she was holding onto Spike, not Angel. She quickly let go of him and stood up. "I'm gonna go patrol" she said and started to put her shoes on.  
  
"No" spike said. "I'm gonna go patrol and you, luv, are going to sleep" He came over to her, kissed her forehead, and left.  
  
"Goodnight Willow" Buffy said, and went upstairs following Spikes direction. Willow stayed on the couch for a while, trying to figure out what was going on between her best friend and a certain bleached blond vampire.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Dawn stopped and looked behind her. The dark streets were full of shadows, she was starting to regret sneaking out. But she had to get out. Poor Buffy was all anyone could think. She felt bad for her sister and all, but she had gotten the memory also. And she was not happy about the fact that she now had memories of Buffy and Angel going at it like rabbits in her memory.  
  
She shuddered at the thought of it. She started walking again, and herd something behind her. She turned around again "Hello?" she said. She smiled as she saw the lean figure of a male in a black trench coat pop out from behind a tree.  
  
"Going some where pet?" he asked. He took a cigarette out of his pack and lit it, looking completely sexy. Like a hero from a movie, after he just defeated the bad guy.  
  
Dawn didn't know what was wrong with her sister. The question was not how could you love this vampire, but how could you not. Spike was way better then Angel. Angel was always causing Buffy tears, and Spike was allot more attractive. "Just out for a walk" she said, trying to sound as mature as possible.  
  
"Out for a walk eh?" spike said crossing his arms over his chest. "Now where would one such as yourself be walking to at three in the mornin'" Spike asked her. Dawn had no answer. She stared at her toes as she shifted her weight from foot to foot. "As I thought, why don't you and me take a walk to the magic shop?" he asked her.  
  
"The magic shop" Dawn asked in surprise She had expected him to drag her home and give her a lecture.  
  
"Well" spike said, getting his cocky grin, "Where else is there a slayer equipped training room?" he asked her.  
  
"Really?" Dawn said hopefully. She had thought that he had forgotten about her accidentally throwing him across the room.  
  
Spike walked to her and put his arm around her shoulder in away that was very big brotherish. "Common lil'bit, don't wana keep you from home to long" they walked to the magic shop.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	2. I remember now

I remember now  
  
Buffy awoke to the mid day sun shinning brightly on her face. She turned in her bed and looked at the clock. It was one o clock. She sat up in bed Why hadn't they woke her up? She went down stairs and noticed that Spikes coat was on the couch. "Dawnie" she shouted, wondering where her sister was.  
  
Dawn walked out from the kitchen. "Well look who finally decided to wake up" she said.  
  
Spike came out after Dawn, "Good morning" he said being unusually polite. "Wand some coffee?" he asked her as he walked back into the kitchen.  
  
"No thanks" Buffy said. She grabbed Dawn by the arm and dragged her away from the kitchen door, to where she was sure Spike couldn't hear them. "What is Spike doing here?" she asked Dawn in a whisper.  
  
"oh... he.. ah..." Dawn couldn't tell her the truth. That when they came back from the magic shop Spike sat on the couch and fell asleep. Dawn hadn't wanted to wake him. "After he patrolled he came back to check on me, and I asked him to stay" she said, hoping Buffy would believe her. Buffy let go of Dawns arm and shook her head. Dawn noticed that she had been doing that allot lately.  
  
I'm gonna go upstairs and shower" she said. She walked upstairs and Dawn went back into the kitchen.  
  
"Well pet" spike said, "I haven't seen Buffy that happy since I ran into her at a party a few years ago" he said and crossed his arms. "I should go. With sunset will come Angel."  
  
"Oh, and how are you planing on leaving on this sunny day?" she asked him, crossing her own arms and returning his look.  
  
He rolled his eyes. "Fine, I guess you've won again." he said. "But the second that sun goes down, I'm gone." he said.  
  
"Yes of course. Mind if I come with you?" she said sarcastically, with some hope that he'd say yes. She didn't want to be here when Angel got here. She had had enough of him the first time, She was very weary of him.  
  
" If you want to, but you'll have to get permission from your big sis, along with money, for food" he said. Dawns mouth opened in almost shock. She had not expected him to even reply, but here he was saying yes. She looked at him, he was starring out at the sun he could never be in. He looked like he was a million miles away.  
  
"Thank you thank you" she said and ran up to him and hugged him. She was relived not to have to be here when Angel was here.  
  
"Oh common now pet, get off of me" he said. She let go of him and saw his face in time to see that he was smiling. But his smile quickly vanished, and he went back to looking out the window.  
  
"Do you miss the sun?" she asked him. He looked so sad. She wished she could find one of those stupid demons that turned Angel human. Spike would enjoy it more then Angel. Angel was all mopy 'for the better cause'.  
  
"Sometimes" he said. "I never really thought about it until I had the gem of amara." He shook his head, and stood up walking over to the fridge. "There's lots of things I miss about being alive" he said as he pulled out one of the packages of blood that they always kept for him now. "Breathing was always kind of nice" he said as he put the blood in the microwave. "And lets not forget about taste buds" the beeping noise signaled that the blood was done and he took it out and sunk his teeth into it.  
  
"But if you could be human, like if you found the what was it called, a Mohra demon, would you want to?" she asked him.  
  
Spike lifted his head up, a little bit of blood was at the corner of his mouth. He pondered the question. "I don't know" he said. "I think if I found a Mohra demon I would find some way to get the blood to Angel. You know, let Buffy and Angel be plain Jane and Joe regular" he said.  
  
Dawn thought about this, "But why couldn't you be her Joe regular?" she asked him.  
  
"Dawn, pet, you know I would have no problem with that. but Buffy doesn't love me. You have to be with who you love. Ya know?" He said.  
  
Dawn nodded in understanding. Though she was pretty sure Buffy loved Spike. "Oh well, no sense dreaming about it" she said.  
  
"Dreaming about what?" Buffy asked as she walked into the kitchen. She was wearing a light pink sun dress with darker pink flowers on it. Her hair was down over her shoulders. It was still a little wet, she never got her hair completely dry eight a hair dryer. Her face had no make up except for a small brushing of a light pink across her lips. Spike thought she looked absolutely beautiful, but then again she always did in his eyes.  
  
"Nothing important" spike said disposing of the empty blood bag.  
  
Buffy walked over to Spike and took now of his ands in hers and held it up near her. "Thanks for taking care of me and Dawn yesterday" she said.  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes. Oh yeah, she thought, She only likes him as a friend.  
  
"No problem" Spike said, "I made a promise to you, and I'm never going to break it" he said.  
  
Buffy gave Spike the lightest kiss on his cheek, near the corner of his mouth. "I know" she said "And it means allot to me." She dropped his hand and walked over to the fridge. Spike stared at her, his blue eyes sparkling.  
  
Dawn, was somewhat amazed. She had seen her sister be nice to spike before, but this was a little past nice. She had a feeling something had happened that changed things. And she had a feeling she knew when it happened. "So where were you the night before last?" Dawn asked. "Me and Tara were worried".  
  
"Oh.....I....uh.....was....patrolling. Alone. As in by myself." Buffy said, pulling a soda out of the fridge, opening, taking a big long gulp, and rushing out of the room.  
  
"And what were you doing?" she asked Spike.  
  
Spike gave her a guilty look. "I...uh...was.sleeping.I was sleeping." he tried to escape the same way Buffy had but Dawn blocked the exit.  
  
"Don't you usually sleep during the day and patrol at night, with Buffy?" she asked, smiling innocently, as though she didn't realize he was trying to get past her.  
  
"Well, I was tired. It happens. Vampires get tired too you know" He said. Dawn let him past. Oh yeah she thought something big happened.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well, sun wil be down in less then an hour" Spike said sitting down on the couch next to Buffy. "Don't worry luv, I'll leave the second the sun sets" he said patting her hand.  
  
"You don't have to" she said looking up at him, her green eyes sparkling .  
  
"Yes" he said putting a hand up on her cheek, "I think I do" he kissed her forehead, and then stared at her. She stared back.  
  
"You know Spike, just because Angels coming for.. for I don't know how long, doesn't mean I'm going to forget everything You've done for me and Dawn" Buffy put her hand on his hand that was still on her face. She wasn't sure what she was feeling right now. Feeling for this vampire. This soulless creature, monster. But those words no longer sounded right in her mind when thinking of Spike.  
  
"But is does mean that your going to remember all your forgotten feelings for Angel" Spike said, moving her hand down from her face.  
  
"Feelings?" she asked him. "I don't even know what is is to feal anymore" she said. She pushed him back on the couch, so he was now lying down with her on top of him. "except" she said, lying her head on his chest, "When I'm with you, I do feal. I don't know why I feal, or what I feal. But it's nice, just to feal" she said, and closed her eyes.  
  
"You say that now" he said, "But when you see Angel, you'll see. Love doesn't die, Buffy. It only grows stronger." he placed his hand on her back anywise.  
  
"Maybe, but love does rest. It may be as strong as ever, but that doesn't mean, you have to love one thing. And this one thing, that you swear I love, is only going to cause pain. Pain that I can stand to do with out." She lifted her head and looked strait into his eyes. "This love isn't meant to be. It always will be, but that's it. It will just be." she laid her head back on his chest and closed her eyes, falling into a light sleep instantly.  
  
Spike thought about what she said, and then closed his eyes, falling asleep, much in the same way Buffy had, confused, but at peace.  
  
Both of them slept through the sunset. And they both slept through the knock at the door. But, Dawn, who was quite awake, herd the knock, and went to answer it. She opened the door to See Angel.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Hey Dawn" Angel said and looked up at her, "well look at you, you got all tall and pretty" he said. She smiled at him, she always had liked Angel. "Is Buffy here?" he asked her.  
  
"Buffy..yes Buffy..umm" Dawn looked at her sister, asleep on the couch with Spike. She wouldn't want Angel to see her with Spike. "She's here"  
  
"Can I come in and talk to her?" he asked looking at her confused.  
  
"You, know, she'll be out in a minute, she's uh, in the bath room" Dawn said, and then she shouted, "Buffy, Angels here" Buffy began to stir on the couch.  
  
"Cant I just come in?" Angel asked.  
  
"No" Dawn said. "I wont invite you in" she said.  
  
Angel looked at her like she was crazy. Dawn looked over at Buffy, who was taking her time waking up. "Uh Dawn, I've been invited in, I don't need you to-"  
  
"Buffy, Angel is here" she cut him off in mid sentence.  
  
"Oh for gods sake Dawn", he pushed his way past Dawn, and went into the living room. Dawn began to sneak up stairs, but she herd a very hurt Angel whine out Buffys name first.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Angel" Buffy said, still ontop of Spike, When did you get here?" She got off the couch and looked at Angel, hoping she could escape the situation with a innocent look.  
  
"Well I'll be on my way luv" Spike said getting up and practically running out of the house, forgetting his coat. Dawn ran out after him.  
  
"'luv'?" Angel asked looking at her.  
  
"Oh, that's just.....uh.....um....." Buffy stared at him. Old feelings stirring. He looked older, she knew it wasn't possible for him to age because of the whole vampire thing, but he looked older. He really did. Buffy restrained the urge to fall into his arms. It felt nice to be in his presence after so long.  
  
"Never mind" Angel said, "It doesn't matter." He walked over to her, and put his hands on her cheeks, and just stared into her eyes. Spike was right, love doesn't die, Buffy thought to herself. "What do you remember?" he asked her.  
  
Buffy put her hands on his waist and slid her face from his hands, and placed her ear against his chest. Buffy choked back a sob when she didn't hear his heart beating. He didn't even breathe. Spike breathed allot. "I remember everything" she said.  
  
"I'm so sorry" she started crying. "I told you I would never forget, and I did" Angel encircled her in his arms. She felt herself getting lost in his Aura, just like she used to. But, it didn't feal the same. It was tainted, by pain, and knowing that it wouldn't last.  
  
"It wasn't your fault" Angel said. "You were supposed to forget, that's how it worked" he held her tight. He to knew that it wouldn't last.  
  
"How long are you here for?" She asked him.  
  
"Just till sundown tomorrow." he told her. Buffy nodded, understanding that he had A life in LA  
  
"OK" she said. "Lets just stay like this until then" She said.  
  
Angel smiled. "OK" he said. And there they staid. For a while.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	3. To love is to live

To Love is to live  
  
"Spike wait" Dawn yelled as she ran after him.  
  
Spike stopped. He had forgotten Dawn was coming with him "Sorry niblit" he said, "Just didn't want to stick around there."  
  
Dawn caught up with him and stopped to catch her breath. "Yeah" she said. "That could of been reeaal ocward" she said.  
  
Spike laughed "Common 'lil'bit, lets go get some food" he said and put his arm around her shoulders, in a very big brotherish way.  
  
They started off towards the store talking and joking with each other. Spike heard a noise behind them and turned. "What is it?" dawn asked.  
  
"Dont know 'bit" he said. A green skinned Samurai demon with a curved sword and a red jewel in his forehead jumped in front of them. Spike kicked it and it stumbled backwards. The demon reminded him of something but he couldn't remember. Dawn kicked the demon square in the chest. The demon stumbled back again, then turned around and ran.  
  
Dawn started to go after it, but Spike grabbed her arm, "Let it go niblet" he said, "Your sis will get it later".  
  
Dawn just continued to try to struggle, trying to get out of his grasp. After Spike didn't let go, and it was made clear that dawn wouldn't be able to get away from him, she finally stood still. She looked up at him, her face pale, "Spike you don't understand, that's not just a demon, that's a Mohra demon" she looked into his eyes, her eyes pleading for him to let her go.  
  
Spike stared at her. Shocked. "Common", he said after a long silence, "were gonna go back to your house, and talk to your sis" he said. He started back to Buffys, dragging a reluctant Dawn with him.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy pressed the play button on her stereo and music began to flow from it. She went back to Angel and they began to slowly dance. The song was "I love you" by Sarah Mclachlan. Willow and Tara had given her a mix CD with a bunch of slow peaceful songs on it for her 20th birthday. She put her head against her angels chest and listened to the slow peaceful words as the chorus came in  
  
- and I forgot to,  
  
tell you I love you.  
  
and the night's  
  
too long  
  
and cold here  
  
without you  
  
I grieve in my condition  
  
for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so-  
  
"We cant be together" Angel said, interrupting Buffys moment of peace. "We're together right now" she replied. She knew he was right, but she didn't want to think about it at the moment.  
  
"But I' going to leave tomorrow night" he said. "I don't want to Buffy, but I have to, and you know that. We can never be together like that" his voice was filled with pain. She looked up at him and made a shhh noise. "We're together right now" she said, and put a hand on his cheek "Weather you leave tonight, tomorrow, or one hundred years from now, the important thing is that your here right now." she moved her hand away from his face and picked up his hand. He held his hand against his chest. She continued looking at him, there faces less then an inch apart.  
  
Buffy wanted to kiss him. More then anything she wanted to kiss him. But she didn't. She knew that if she did, tomorrow night would just be harder. So she made herself content with just looking in his eyes. And he did the same. There moment of ecstasy was broken when the door was thrown open and Spike and dawn came crashing into the living room. Spike looked at Buffy and Angel dancing and immediately cursed himself for ever thinking he could have something with her. Buffy caught his gaze, and stared deeply into his eyes, with the same intense gaze she had given him a couple nights before when they had first made love. Her Eyes told him then she hadn't forgotten anything she said to him. He gave her his famous cocky grin and said "We got new for ya love." "Oh hell" she said. "What is it this time?" she asked. "Some big bad master vampire? has Angel lost his soul again? is some one planing on becoming a giant snake? No no, There must be a secret government run operation that built a indefinable hybrid out of different parts of humans and demons." Spike shook his head and opened his mouth to speak, but Buffy cut him off "no wait, I know. There must be a insane hell god who want to go home by cutting open my sister and letting her bleed to death, meanwhile releasing untold demons into our world. What the hell is wrong with town? Isn't anyone normal? Isn't there anyone who sit around wanting to be a ballerina and travel to Europe?" she stopped and took a breath, finally giving Spike a chance to talk. "Well, this is a little different pet. Me and the bit just ran into a lovely Mohra demon, thought you might be interested in knowing. Sorry to interrupt, we'll be on our way. Love to you all" he turned around as if to leave.  
  
"Wait" Buffy said almost in a whisper. Spike turned around and looked at her. She was paler then him. She was slowly taking steps backwards. Angel but a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off. "I....I have to...." she started shaking "NO!" she said loudly. She wasn't talking to anybody, just babbling to herself, "I...I...I cant. I--I-I cant" she sat on the floor and pulled her knees to her chest.  
  
Spike went over to her and put a hand on her shoulder. She let him, "Don't you see pet?" he put a hand under her chin, forcing her to look at him, "This is a good thing. Now you and the poof can be together" he told her.  
  
"Hey" Angel said. "I am not a poof". He was ignored by everyone in the room.  
  
"NO!" she said. "Angel cant be human. And if he gets turned, it will just lead to another beautiful day that I cant remember" she put her hand on Spikes neck. then moved it down to his chest. "And knowing that hurts. It hurts me here, Like nothing else ever has" she let her hand fall off his chest and to the floor between them.  
  
He moved his hand from her chin to her face, brushing away a few tears that fell. She leaned into his touch. "We'll just have to kill it then" he said.  
  
Angel watched this scene play out. He was slightly disturbed by it. Spike touched Buffy with the hands of a lover, and Buffy let him. He should be the one where Spike was. But After watching them together he realized something. She loves him he thought. Angel wanted to kill Spike. Watch him Die 1000 painful deaths for making Buffy love him, but then he saw something else, in the way Spike looked at her. he loves her to he thought. He also realized that though Spike showed every sign of being ready to kill every demon in the world for her, he had no idea she loved him back  
  
"We should get going" Angel said. Buffy and Spike looked over at him.  
  
"No." Spike said. "You're leaving tomorrow. You and Buffy stay together while you still can, I'll kill these demon" he moved away from Buffy and ran out the door, "Common niblet" he called to Dawn, who rushed out after him.  
  
A new song was playing now. It was one by Sheryl crow. Angel recognized it, Cordilia went through after Doyle when she played it constantly. It was named I shall believe or something like that.  
  
Buffy stood up and looked at him. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and allow her to let her fear be soaked up by him. He wanted to warm her heart with his.  
  
But he knew he couldn't. He had asked her once if she was still his girl. She had replied 'always'. He wondered if that was still true. Could she be his girl, and still have a life? He just stood and looked at her listening to the words wrapped with music flow from the stereo;  
  
-that not everything is gonna be the way you think it ought to be,  
  
it seem like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me  
  
please say honestly you wont give up on me, and I shall believe  
  
"Angel, I was right, right?" she asked him quietly. "You can't be human again?"  
  
He looked at her and nodded, "It's not worth all the life's that would die if I was human" he said.  
  
Her eyes swelled with tears that began to stream down her face, "You mean" she said her voice quivering as she choked out the words, "You mean I'm not worth it" she stated. "You don't love me enough to give up your strength." she wrapped her arms tightly around her body, as if keeping out a tremendous cold.  
  
Hearing those words come from her mouth was enough to make angel break down and let a few stray tears fall from his eyes. He walked over to her and put his hands on her cheeks, "You" he said, "Are worth it, the only reason I do what I do is because of you. I would still be trudging around newyork, feeling guilty about what I did instead of trying to do good, to make up for what I did. You are my soul Buffy. But, we cant let all those people die for our selfish love" he leaned his face down and gave her mouth a small kiss. Not enough to cross the line, but enough to let her know that he did love her.  
  
She stood on her tip toes and kissed his forehead. "Thank you" she said.  
  
"No" he said, "Thank you. With out you my soul would be worthless Buffy. Your love is what makes me live." Buffy put her head on his chest and they began to dance again. Moving slower this time, as if time would stop for them. 


	4. life itself

Life itself  
  
"So we're just gonna kill it?" Dawn asked, "What about you? don't you want to be human, so you and Buffy can be together" She grabbed his arm and made him stop walking, so he would look at her.  
  
"We are going to Kill it, Take it's blood, and force Angel to become human" He said. If Angel thought he could break Buffys heart again, he was sadly mistaken. He would be human. End of story. Him and Buffy would be together and pop out a bunch of peachy poofs.  
  
"I don't think that's such a good idea" Dawn said. "I mean, there's a reason that Angel doesn't want to be human. A good reason"  
  
Spike started walking again, Dawn quickly followed. "I don't care about all those poofy I'm gonna save the sodding planet reasons. I care about Buffy." He said.  
  
"Spike, I care about her to. She's my sister. But-" Dawn stopped talking when she saw that Spike was gulping back tears, that slowly ran down his pale face. "OK, we'll get the blood. Do you have a bottle or jar or something to keep it in?" she asked, "If gets mixed with your blood you'll be the one who's human" she reminded him.  
  
Spike pulled a small glass bottle out of his pocket and twisted the lid off. He took a big swig of it, then turned it upside down, letting the liquid fall out to the ground. He tossed the bottle to Dawn, who caught it, "You be ready with that niblet, now come on, I think I know where he's staying.  
  
"Where?" Dawn asked, putting the bottle under her coat.  
  
"The sewer, where else?" Spike said. Dawn followed him as he walked briskly towards the sewers entrance.  
  
Spike bent down at a point in the road. "This is near where he attacked us" He said. He lifted the metal lid away to expose the entrance to the sewer. "Lets have us a look" He said and jumped down.  
  
Dawn followed him leaping down after him. She wrinkled her nose in distaste, "It's awful down here" she said.  
  
"Well, the sewer comes with the job" Spike said. Dawn glared at him.  
  
They walked down the damp dank hall of the sewer. It really was horrible. Water from god knows where dripped from the ceiling. Dawn cringed as a drop of the dirty scum filled water drooped down her back. There was no way of walking throughout the sewers with out walking through a puddle. "Your buying me a new pair of shoes after this" Dawn said.  
  
"Yeah fine whatever, now stop complaining bit or I'll let this demon kill you" he said. He was slightly annoyed with Dawns complaining Buffy had to walk through the sewers all the time, as did Spike, but you didn't hear them complaining about it.  
  
Spike looked at Dawn. He couldn't really be mad at her for it. She was only fifteen, and she wasn't a vampire, or a vampire slayer. She was just a girl. A girl who's really a big ball of energy rolled up into a tiny mini Buffy package, who was now showing signs of great strength.  
  
And then he saw it. He put his hand in front of Dawn, motioning for her to stop, and pointed at the demon. She nodded showing that she saw it. The red jewel on it's forehead sparkled with the same elegance as his curved sword  
  
Spike didn't waste a second, he jumped up in front of the demon and kicked it's hand that held the blade. It drooped it's sword, and Dawn immediately ran over picking it up before the demon had time to react. "Spike" she said, and threw it to him.  
  
He caught the sword and Stabbed the demon through the heart. "Now bit!" he yelled. Dawn didn't waste a second. She grabbed the bottle out from her jacket and punched the demon in the face. She allowed some blood to drain into the bottle, then tossed the bottle back to spike, who put it in his pocket.  
  
"Common lets go" Spike said grabbing Dawns arm, and dragging her with him.  
  
"Spike" she said, "Spike, he's not dead, that's not how you kill him" she tried to explain, but Spike just kept pulling her out of the tunnels.  
  
"Trust me bit, He's not getting up from that." He found an exit and pulled her through it. Dawn continued to protest but Spike didn't listen.  
  
"Spike, Please, you have to listen. The only way to kill it is to smash the gem on it's forehead" she pleaded with him. She desperately tried to go back but he just kept pulling her. She hadn't had enough practice with her new found strength, and spike did.  
  
"Spike!" she said, "Let me go." She tried one last time, and shook her arm hard. Spike flung off of her, and fell to the ground.  
  
"niblet" he said. There was a look on his face that Dawn didn't understand at first, but then she saw. The bottle with the demons blood in it had been broken when Spike fell. She saw his blood, as well as the demons green blood. the glass must of pierced his skin dawn realized.  
  
The green of the demons blood began to glow. Dawn watched in horror as light came down from the sky itself and went through spikes body, causing his body to spasm in pain. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Spike gasped, for (to his horror) a much needed breath. He felt his heart pounding wildly in his chest. He tried to Stand but couldn't. He felt cold. Cold. it had been so long since he felt coldness that he didn't recognize it at first.  
  
The coldness came with many other feelings. Hunger, for food not blood. Pain, in his chest. Damit! he cursed to himself breathe Spike, remember to breathe He took in another deep breath, and looked up.  
  
Dawn was standing motionless starring at him. Her hands were over her mouth and tears were rolling down her cheeks. She took a step forward, then fell to her knees in front of him and put her hand on his chest.  
  
"Spike I-I" she stuttered. "What have I done" she said. "This is my fault, I'm so sorry" she said. She put her hands on her head and tangled her fingers in her long brown hair, grasping her head, and rocking back and forth. "I'm sorry" she kept on saying.  
  
Spike gathered her in his arms "No, niblet" he said, "I'm sorry. This wouldn't of happened if I had listened to you." He stood up, pulling her up with him, "Now come on, we have to get back to your house before we run into any demons, I don't know If I can fight them now"  
  
Dawn pulled her hands out of her now very tangled hair and nodded. She wiped the tears from her face and looked at him. Spike watched as the focus of her eyes moved from his face to behind him. "Spike!" she said, but it was to late.  
  
Before spike was aware of what was happening he was being shoved and punched, and kicked across the grave yard. Pain was the only thing he was aware of. He didn't like it. He wasn't used to feeling pain simply at kicks and shoves.  
  
"Get away from him" dawn yelled, and began to attack the Vampires that had been beating on Spike.  
  
Great Spike thought as he sat up. just bloody great. I'm being saved by a bloody fifteen year old.  
  
Dawn staked one of the vampires, and put herself in a defense position. Spike watched amazed. They had trained a little the night before, but not much. She kicked the other vampire as it got up off the ground, then rammed the stake through his heart. Spike looked at her eyes, and realized that it was the slayer in her. It was Buffy. Kind of. Pure slayer instincts.  
  
Thank god they made her from Buffys blood he thought as she came over to him. She held out an arm to help him up.  
  
"Did you see me" Dawn said excited, " they were all grrr, and I was all ha, and I totally kicked both their asses. common, who's the man" she said.  
  
"You are pet" Spike said giving her a weak smile. He put an arm around his stomach. They must of cracked a few of his ribs in all the kicking of his ass they did.  
  
Dawn noticed his pain and put an arm around his waist to support him. Spike wrapped an arm around her shoulder and leaned against her, counting on her new found strength to support him. "Common, lets go back to my house and we'll patch you up" Dawn said.  
  
Spike nodded and they began the journey back to the summers house, Spike stumbling all the way.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Do you want something to eat, or shall I say Drink" Buffy called to Angel from the kitchen  
  
"Do you have a vampire friendly menu?" he called back to her.  
  
"I think we have some of Spikes blood left in the fridge" she said, and then cringed when she realized that she had basically just told Angel how often Spike was at their house.  
  
"Spike has blood in your fridge" angel asked as came into the kitchen.  
  
"Well, when I was um... gone, He was around allot to take care of Dawn, so, I guess he just kind of never stopped taking care of Dawn when I came back, or something like that." she explained.  
  
"Why would Spike be taking care of Dawn?" Angel asked Buffy, "I was under the impression that he wasn't to fond of the scooby gang".  
  
"Well, things change" Buffy said, "And before I died, he promised me he would take care of Dawn. You know, wouldn't let anything happen to her. I guess he takes his promises seriously" she finished.  
  
Angel opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by Dawn yelling for Buffy. "Buffy, something not so good happened" she yelled.  
  
"Big surprise Buffy said sarcastically and walked into the living room. What she saw though, she was truly not ready for. Spike was lying on the couch, a look of pain on his face. After a moment she realized that he was breathing. Deep, breaths. His cheeks were flushed with color. He had his eyes shut tightly.  
  
Buffy walked over to him, her hand held out. She was almost afraid to touch his chest. But she did any ways, and what she felt brought all her fears into the light of truth. "Get the first aid kit" she said to Dawn.  
  
Dawn quickly left the room to do her sisters biding. Buffy knelt by the couch and tenderly brushed some of the hair away from his forehead. He had a cut on his eyebrow, and one on his lip. Buffy put a hand on his chest again, a little below his heart. He cringed. must have some bruises Buffy thought.  
  
"So, how does it feal to be alive?" Buffy asked him.  
  
He opened his Eyes and gazed at her lovingly. "Painful" he said then gave her his cocky grin, which disappeared immediately as the cut on his lip reopened.  
  
Buffy carefully placed her head on his chest, to hear his heart beat. It was steady and strong. She took his hand in hers "Don't worry, I'll patch you all up" she said.  
  
Dawn came back into the room with the first aid kit, and handed it to Buffy. She then sat down on a chair, looking at Spike, worry in her Eyes.  
  
Buffy opened the first aid kit and took out a disinfectant pad and ran it over his eye brow. Spike flinched. "Ow, that bloody hurts" he said to her.  
  
"You know, for someone who was a vampire for over a century, you really don't have a very high threshold for pain." She said. Spike glared at her. "So William, feeling any urges to right some bloody awful poetry?" she taunted him as she continued to disinfect the wounds on his face. His beautiful smooth face, now slightly pink in the cheeks with life.  
  
"Ha bloody ha slayer" he said. "Just because I'm human now doesn't mean I'm a poof like peaches over there" he said.  
  
"Hey" Angel said. Buffy looked over to where spike was looking. Angel was standing in the doorway looking at them. Buffy hadn't realized her was there. A year ago he would have known the instant he entered the room, with out needing to turn around. "I'm not a poof, and STOP calling me peaches"  
  
Buffy turned her attention back to Spike. "Where did the demons blood mix with yours?" Buffy asked. She knew that somewhere on his body there was a cut or gash that needed to be mended to.  
  
Spike put a hand on his thigh. I'll just let him tend to that wound on his own Buffy thought to herself. "You should clean it before you go to bed" Buffy said to him, trying to hide her blushing. Spike raised his eyebrows at her, but said nothing. "Now" Buffy said. "Take off your shirt.  
  
Spike gave her a questioning look, "What ever you say luv" she said to her.  
  
"Your such a pig Spike, I saw you cringe in pain when I touched you" she said rolling her eyes at him. Angel cleared his throat in the back round, reminding everyone of his presence. Spike lifted his shirt over his head with great effort.  
  
Buffy cringed at the sight of Spikes torso. He had a huge bruise mid torso. "Who walked on you?" Buffy asked him.  
  
"Two vampires" he said, "Post becoming human" he added. She ran her hand gently over the bruise, which caused Spike to Immediately flinch back in pain. "If it wasn't for Dawn I probably wouldn't of survived" he said, and then realized that he wasn't supposed to mention that.  
  
"What could a fifteen year old girl possibly of done to help you Spike?" Buffy asked through clenched teeth. Spike began to wriggle around moaning as if in great amounts of pain. "Not buying it Spike" she said, she turned around to look at Dawn, who appeared to be asleep.  
  
"come on Dawnie, I know your awake, I taught you that trick" Buffy said to her.  
  
Dawn opened her eyes and sat up strait, looking at Buffy. "Well, uh you see, yesterday when I was at Spike's crypt, we kind of, uh accidentally discovered that I might have some Slayer strength in me." Dawn said and Smiled sheepishly.  
  
"Right" Buffy said. "Makes perfect sense, your made from my blood, I cant believe we didn't think of this before." She shoved the thought away, promising herself that she would comeback to it latter. It was just to much at the moment.  
  
She turned her attention back to Spike and his wounds. "Well, she said, lets get you upstairs, You can sleep in My room, I'll sleep in Dawns room, And Angel, You can sleep in Willows room, she's at-" Buffy stopped talking. Willows room. It used to be her mothers room, and now she just called it Willows room, with out even thinking about it. She shook her head, "She's at Xander and Anyas, they're doing a movie thing.  
  
Spike sat up, and leaned on Buffy as she helped him up the stairs to her room. She tucked him into her bed and gave him a kiss on the forehead. She looked down at him, he was already drifting off into sleep. "I love you" he said, "Night" and then he finished the journey to sleep.  
  
Buffy started to leave the room, but then went back to the side of her bed and leaned down and kissed his lips, softly and gently, "I love you to" she whispered, so softly that even she could barely hear the words.  
  
She walked downstairs to Willows room and knocked softly on the door. Angel came and opened the Door. "Just came to say goodnight" she said.  
  
Angel brushed the hair out of her face, "Good night" he said. He watched as Buffy turned and walked back upstairs.  
  
Dawn had laid a sleeping bag out on the floor of her room for Buffy. "So" Buffy said as she got in the sleeping bag, "Not only do you steal my clothes, my make up, and the last of the milk, but now You steal my sacred birth right" she said.  
  
Dawn laughed at her and turned out the light, "Good night" she said.  
  
"Good night" Buffy said back to her, and just thought. Spike had Said love never dies. He was right, she still loved Angel. But everyday, she felt herself fall more inlove with Spike. Angel would always be in her heart, as her first love, but she knew now that she was ready to love again. Ready to let someone new into her heart.  
  
And now that Spike was human, Maybe, they could have a life together. Well, as much of a life as two vampire slayers and an ex-vampire could have. Buffy drifted off into sleep, allowing herself to act like a thirteen year old girl and dream about a white picket fence, and children running around in the yard.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	5. goodbye forever

Good bye forever  
  
Buffy walked to where the water met the waves, letting her toes get wet. Angel watched her. They had chosen a small area of beach to say their good byes. It was directly between sunny dale and LA. Buffy looked like a goddess in the moonlight. She was wearing a long white dress, made out of thin light cotton material. She had let her hair down and the moon light glittered off of it. The wind was blowing he hair and dress behind her.  
  
They had taken sperate cars, Angel had driven up in his, and Spike had driven Buffy up in his car. Angel allowed himself to look at her for another minute and then walked up behind her rested his hands on her waist. He rested his chin on her shoulder and they just stood there, basking in each others presence for a few minutes.  
  
"We can never be together" he said to her after a while.  
  
"That doesn't change the fact that I love you" she said. They shared another peaceful moment, knowing that they had to say good-bye soon.  
  
"You love him, don't you" Angel said. It wasn't a question.  
  
"Who?" she asked innocently.  
  
"You know who, Angel said.  
  
Buffy turned around in his arms so she was facing him, she put her hands up on his face and stared deeply his Eyes. those brown eyes that she had loved so strongly for so long, and she nodded. "I don't know, when, or how, or why, but some where along the line, I fell in love with him. A single tear fell down her cheek.  
  
Angel wiped the tear away whit his thumb. Buffy moved her hands from his face to the back of his neck, and fell against him. "You still my girl?" he asked her.  
  
"Always" she said into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her.  
  
He knew it was true. That a part of her would always belong to him. But he also knew that she could never be completely his girl. He saw that she was moving on, but he also saw that she was a little afraid to. "I want you to be with him." Angel said. He can give you the life I always wanted to. He can give you a family. He can take you into the light. you can lie awake at night listening to his heart beat.  
  
"You can have picnics during the day. Your life can move with the sun. You've earned it Buffy, now take it. He loves you, maybe even as much as I love you. " he finished.  
  
She stared up at him, her green eyes sparkling with tears. She kissed him, long and hard, for she knew it would be their last kiss. "Thank you" she said when they pulled away from each other. You don't know what it means to hear you say that."  
  
Angel tightened their embrace one last time, then looked down at her and released her. she turned and began to walk away. "I love you Buffy Summers" he called after her.  
  
She turned around "And I'll always love you" she said. And with that she left. Angel watched her leave, knowing it may me the last time he ever looked upon her, but he knew that this would be the beginning for happily ever after for her. She walked around a big rock, to where Spike was waiting in his car.  
  
Angel turned and left. going back to LA, back to cordy, and back to his many troubles and burdens. He laughed to himself, if Buffy only knew, he thought to himself.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy turned the corner to find Spike leaning against his old beat up car waiting for her. "Can we stay and watch the sun rise?" he asked her. "It's been so long since I've seen the sun rise" he said.  
  
"Yeah" Buffy said. She leaned against Spike, who put his arm around her. "I want to tell you something Spike" she said. "I love you" Spike stared at her stunned. "I try not to, I deny it, but it's no use. I love you. And, I want me and Dawn to spend our life's with you" she finished.  
  
Spike stared at her speechless. She had basically just asked him to live out his dream. He turned to her and kissed her. Deeply, then pulled away. "Nothing in the world would make me happier, then to do that Buffy her said. He picked her up in his arms and spun her around until they fell on the sand in each others arms.  
  
Spike winced, he had momentarily forgotten about the pain in his ribcage, but he felt it now. He didn't care though. Buffy was laughing. He had made Buffy smile. She was laughing and smiling in his arms.  
  
"Lets go swimming" she said. He nodded to her and began to take of her boots, then his coat, then his shirts. He chased her into the water. They went into the water until they were waist deep. Spike still in his jeans, and Buffy still in her breathtakingly beautiful white dress.  
  
Spike took her in his arms and she wrapped her legs around his waist, kissing him again. He was grinning like a fool and he knew it. His dream was coming true.  
  
They swan for a while, then Buffy ran out of the water and Spike ran after her. Maybe If he had still been a vampire he would of sensed it. Maybe if her wasn't injured he could of gotten to her in time. Maybe if she hadn't been wrapped up if her thoughts about him she would of sensed it. There was a whole book of what if and maybes.  
  
But Before Spike knew what was happening The Mohra demon that he thought he and Dawn had killed was behind Buffy. He stabbed her, in the Back. Spike watched in horror as the sword went in the back of her, and the tip of the blade showed through the front of her.  
  
The Demon pulled the sword out. Spike moved fast. She ran the last few feet to them, grabbed one of his boots, and used every bit of his human strength to smash the Red glittering gem on the demons forehead, the demon vanished in a bright light.  
  
Spike fell to the ground by Buffy and put his hand on he face "Hold on luv, I'm gonna take you to the hospital, and every thing will be okay" he said.  
  
She looked up at him, not quite focusing on his face. It was as if she looked past him, at something only she could see. "Will it be okay?" she asked him. "I don't feal okay" she said.  
  
Spike's tears fell from his face and mingled with hers. "Yes" he said. "Before you know it, It'll be you me and the bit, watching movies on your couch, eating pizza." he didn't believe it though.  
  
"I'm scared Spike" she said, "I-I can feal anything, I cant see you, are you still there?" she asked.  
  
"I'm still here pet" he said. She began to cough, her body heaving with the motion. Blood trickled out of the corner of her mouth. "No Buffy, hold on, your stronger then this I know it." he said.  
  
"Maybe it's better like this" she said. Spike could tell that every word was a struggle for her now. "You said it your self Spike, I came back wrong. I'm not supposed to be here"  
  
"Don't say that" he pleaded with her, "Your going to live. You have to."  
  
"No" she said firmly. "You have to. I love you Spike, Tell Dawnie and everyone that I love them to, remember to take care of them for me" she said.  
  
"No Buffy, I cant. Remember, I'm human now, I need you, I love you" he said.  
  
"Shhhhhh" Buffy Said. " One day" she said, "One day we'll all be together again. Maybe in the next life we can have our happy ending. But this is the ending for this life. For me any ways" she said.  
  
"Spike leaned Down and kissed her cheek, "You can't leave me Buffy. Not again" he said. She looked at him, for a moment all her focus was on him, but then her eyes went Blank. He could feal her presence leaving him. She was gone.  
  
He pulled her body to him, hugging her. He looked up at the stars and screamed "No". As if by sheer force of will he could bring her back, he held onto her. "Why?" he shouted to the stars. "Why give her back to me only to take her away" he waited. He waited for the stars to reply, but they didn't, and he was left all alone with the empty Body Of the girl he loved more then life itself. Tears falling, and mixing with her blood. He rocked back and forth, still hoping that somehow she would come back to him. But she didn't, and he knew, that this time she was gone forever.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	6. Liveing with out her

Living without her  
  
.  
  
Dawn walked up to the podium, ready to give her long practiced valley Victorian speech. It had been almost three years since Buffy had died, but she knew that in a way Buffy would always live on in her heart, and the hearts of her friends.  
  
She rubbed the scar that was at the base of her neck, as she often did when nervous. The scar was from some demon she had fought along the line, and it wasn't the only one she had.  
  
She stood at the podium and looked out at all of the students that were graduating with her, and past them at the audience of friends and family. She saw Spike, who was smiling at her. Behind his sparkling blue eyes, was still pain at the loss of Buffy. She looked next to him. Anya and Xander were siting next to him. Anyas Stomach was now swollen with her 6th month of pregnancy.  
  
Next to them were Tara and Willow, who had gotten back together, after Willow had laid off the magic. She still used magic, but not like she used to. Only to do things that couldn't be done without it. giles was siting next to them smiling up at her. She smiled at her friends, at her family.  
  
"It is with great pleasure that I stand up here, delivering this speech" she started, "A few years ago, I never thought it would be me up here, but here I am. I know that sunny dale isn't the easiest town to live in. the death count is quite high, and I know many of us have lost someone close to us. I myself lost my mother, and My sister.  
  
"But we, we made it. We managed to survive living in sunny dale. And now we can move on, and have our own life's. Our own familles, our own success, and our own failures. The important thing, is that we choose the path before us, and live as best we can. So go out there and live. Just live"  
  
The End 


End file.
